Gonna Go to Hell, Go to Hell!

I don’t remember jokes very well. Maybe it’s because I don’t tell them very well. Usually I laugh during them and you can’t tell what I am saying and that doesn’t make them very funny. Or maybe it’s the pressure to B E funny. I don’t perform well under pressure-I cry or sweat or forget what made me clever in the first place. Or maybe you just aren't getting it-like where is the stupid boat that is pulling the water skiing birds anyway? I guess I can't be everything to everybody. Well, hell, nobody is perfect.

I have never forgotten this one joke though. I don’t know if it was who told it to me, or the fact that it swore, or because it is just really funny, but I still remember it-punch line and all. Let me know if you like it, it goes:

There are two kids reading the dictionary (or Bible, if you’d rather). The brother, Timmy, finds important sounding words like “dogma”, “daring”, and “damn”. His sister finds emotional words like “healing”, “heart” and “hell”. After a pleasant morning together reading the dictionary (or Bible), Timmy turns to his cute little sister, Suzy, and says, “I have heard that if it’s in the dictionary, it must be okay to say,” and since he is the older and wiser brother, Suzy sagely agreed. Hearing Mom banging cupboards in the kitchen the two went to the kitchen for breakfast.

Now you must understand that it is early, and although Timmy and Suzy were getting along, the other three hooligans in the family were up to no good so Mom isn’t in the best of moods. AND she didn’t sleep well after she woke up from watching the baseball game last night and she is not in a playful frame of mind. “What do you want for breakfast?” she asks Timmy.

(Please note: This is a story. If you recognize any flaws in the character representations, please remember it is a work of fiction.)

Timmy smiles his sycophantic oldest child smile and says, “Anything would be fine, but I don’t want no damn Cheerios, Mother dear.” Mom flies of the handle, literally, grabbing the wooden spoon and chasing him back to his room scolding about soap and repentance.

Later, returning to the kitchen, Mom looks at innocent, sweet, even-tempered Suzy and asks with blood in her eye and vinegar in her blood, “And what do you want for breakfast?” Suzy, wiser than her brother having learned from his poor choices, has figured he shouldn’t have said something he did, replies, “Well, I sure as hell don’t want no damn Cheerios!”

LOL! You have to forgive the grammar, but it is a cute little joke. I also appreciate the one about the parrot in the freezer, but I don’t have time for that now, maybe on the cruise.

So what is all the fuss about hell? Is it the fire and brimstone? Men in unitards and tails? The smell of sulfur everywhere? Sounds like the boys bedrooms before we remodeled!

But really, what is up with hell? Or should it be why aren’t we down with hell? A place where the deceased wrong doers spend time and eternity making up for their earthly wrongs? A word you aren’t supposed to say because you have to sit on the kitchen and chair for 15 minutes? The prefix to “icopter”?

I found a picture-it doesn't look very imposing-does it? Maybe at night? Or with the right lighting? I bet Steven Spielberg could make a kick butt hell! Of course it would have to be called Heaven if he cast Harrison Ford in the leading roll, but I would be willing to visit there too.

Do you want to know what I think hell is? Teaching classical music and its elements to 5th Graders! Even if I know they will end up enjoying it (right, Shaelynn?) it is still very difficult to enjoy. There is not enough non-caffeinated diet cola in the world after 50 minutes with 25 10 year olds. Does anyone have a dollar for the soda machine? I need one, real bad. Cindy says that on her cruise to Mexico all the soda came from cans, and I should buy some in Miami and save my money. Where is the fun in that? They didn’t do that on the Love Boat did they? All my cruise knowledge about drinking was learned watching Isaac the Happy Barman and I am sure that his soda was on tap. Maybe if it is chased with Jamaican Rum you don’t care where your Coke came from but a la carte and sitting on a bar stool or pool side or with my dinner, I do! And I don’t plan on being chased by anything on the cruise, especially Jamaican’s with rum. That is just crazy!

I haven’t made any plans regarding the cruise yet; I guess I just don’t want to go overboard before getting on board. But, I do know that I want to visit Hell. I want physical evidence that my music room is not a small town (village, destination?) on the island of the poor extinct and formerly tasty Caimans. Cindy introduced me to a local band that sings an awesome song about Hell. It's called, "Go To Hell" and Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband do a great job telling me all the things that I can do to get there fast. I would have put it on the blog, but I had to call Tony to figure out how to post pictures and I am still not sure they will look right once I publish! Hells bells! Speaking of which, I don't think there are any bells on the island, but if there are I want one! Yeah! Now I have 2 things planned! #1 Look for Hell's bells and #2, Send postcards to the classes at school from the different destinations on our trip. Won’t that be fun for my kindergartners to get a “Thinking of You!” from Cozumel? Or a “Missing you this much!” from Miami for the 6th graders I won’t be missing at all? I especially am looking forward to sending my 3rd graders a postcard declaring “Jamaican me crazy!” from, well, duh! And I can’t wait to send postcards to my church friends that say “Wish you were here!” and have them specially postmarked from H-E-double hockey sticks.

Ooh! Make that 3 things! I have a friend that wants a shot glass, and Cindy is hoping I find a t-shirt for her boys that say “My Aunt went to Hell and all I got was this t-shirt”. How could I be the favorite aunt if I don’t find a t-shirt like that? I love a quest and Aunt Nancy, Mom and Cindy might recall how much fun buying t-shirts can be! And it better be all that it is cracked up to be, because if I am going strong on canned caffeine free ;) diet soda, I sure as hell don’t want to be disappointed by anything in Hell. After all, if I am going to go there, I want it to be worth the trip!

So my list of "Things To Do in the Next Nine Months" gets a little longer. I now have to not only lose weight; get a tan; fade back to pasty white; tan again; rinse and repeat; save money; contribute to the blog; get a passport; worry about drowning; pack; accept fate that I am a land-atee and sew a couple muumuus; make address labels; find adequate forms of motion sickness relief AND find a sub; I also have to either learn to like drinking water or learn to like drinking canned soda? Or start drinking the alcohol and then go into a diabetic coma, die and go to hell? It is all too much! I can’t do it! Something has gotta give! I guess it might have to be the muumuus, because these pretzels are making me thirsty!

P.S. I apologize for the multiple use of the word "Hell" in my blog. I know of no other way to 1) talk about a place called Hell or 2) accumulate more wealth in my swear jar to pay for the t-shirts and shot glasses and drink card for the trip.

Legal Names

Hey Everybody!

I need to get everyone's LEGAL names (what is printed on your passports) and everyone's date of birth.

Please email me directly at kym.hawkes@slumberparties.com asap.

Thanks,
Kym

Conversion

Remember when Jerry's dentist converted to Judaism for the jokes? Or was it just so he could ask for a schtickle of flouride?

Anyway, do I have to actually convert to Islam for the swimwear or is it kosher for a modest Mormon mom to wear?

I've got a bid on this little number in emerald green on ebay. I hope I get it. I'll look smashing in the sparkling blue of the Caribbean waters, don't you think? You'll see me. I'll be the manatee floating around with a hood and long sleeves.

See you in the water!

Shalom

Bring on the stingrays baby!

WOW, is all I have to say about Tim and Kyms adventures with the sharks! You guys are way brave with those HUGE sharks! I am going more to the mellow type of sharks, the stingrays at Stingray City in Grand Cayman. I can't wait to swim with them and I have found a couple of good tour companies that will take you out there with only a maximum of 25 people on the boat as opposed to the excursion through the ship which takes 200 people.

I am thinking of taking the wave runner tour to the Stingray city where you ride wave runners out there and its a 3 hour tour and you get more personalized attention with your guide for only $125 per person . It will be worth it. If anyone else wants to join me when the time comes, then great the more the merrier.

I'll bet Tony would do a shark dive with you. He is the brave, daring one in our family and would do it. I'll have to check and make sure our life insurance covers him if he gets eaten by a shark though just in case I'm left a widow. I wanted to hold back on how much info. I post here just yet but as you can see I am very bored right now. I have one baby here who is sleeping and my house is clean and so I am just researching and researching so forgive me if I'm babbling.

So, Kym taking a laptop is no good huh? I hope someone brings one so we can all load our digital photos on there so we don't have to take a ton of memory cards. If not thats okay too. Well, here are some pics of Stingray City. Enjoy! And of course...........

Happy Cruising :-Þ :-)

You may be wondering what the pics above are...or maybe you caught on to what my mom said. SHE wants to swim with NIMO. I like the sharks. OMG WOW!
TONY- I am so sorry but I think I may have had my ultimate scuba experience without you! I know, I know. I am losing my place as the favorite sister-in-law, please forgive me!!! We will be hard pressed to find anything that tops this! We will tell you all more about this next time we see you all! But just imagine...sharks swimming all around you so fast the water is literally vibrating and swirling in all different directions.

Yeah, yeah I know what you are all thinking. I can't help it. I'm cute not smart. :) Doh!!!

We just got home on Saturday and I have been frantically trying to get caught up. I took my laptop with me on this trip, determined to do some work while I was gone. I know you all think I just act silly at a party and sell those adult thingy-ma-jigs, but there is actaully a business side to my job! :) I think I pulled it out of the bag at least once...does it count if I was looking something up for Tim and then promptly shut it down. My laptop is FREAKING HEAVY and I lugged that sucker all over the Carribean for NOTHING!! Never again!!!

I just spent the last 1/2 hour reading the posts out loud to Tim and we were laughing our guts out. At first I thought it was the wine making things funnier than normal, but Tim was laughing just as hard. Thanks for that cuz my day wasn't great. Nothing like a glass of wine and some funny family blogs to make it all better again!

My apologies because MY posts are probably always going to be in response to everyone else's. Damn, there are some funny personalities and quirky senses of humor in this family. I'm glad I get to be part of it!

Ok, so here we go...Cathy, I can't wait to see you try to get out of swimming on this trip! Danny will be another year older and at the age where kids LOVE the water! Good thing Shaelynn LOVES the kids...and the beach...and the ocean....and the sand in between her ummmm....toenails.

OK, so I gotta tell you all...the kids both thought it was pretty funny that they had sand in their butt cracks afte playing at the beach all day. LOL

This was the first time they have ever been to the ocean. They wanted to spend all their time at the beach. (Sidenote...now I am having flashbacks of when me and their dad took them to Disneyland for Christmas. Wonderful Christmas gift, Right??? On the first day at the Park, we left a bit early to go back and get our sweaters cuz it got chilly. They decided that rather than go back to the park, the wanted to stay at the hotel swimming pool. The next morning, they asked if we could just swim all day. Of course, we said NO! We needed to get all we could out of those park passes! Everyday, they wanted to swim... Now... I'm pretty sure there is a Hampton Inn on 10600 S. and the freeway right in Sandy, Utah... with a POOL. No need to go clear to Cali for pools! LOL

Good luck on getting out of swimming! However, I will tell you, there MAY be hope! I have NEVER put on a swimsuit on a cruise ship. I have some very specific requirements for me to get in water anywhere!!!

1) It must be at least 78 degrees. This requirement is only while in the Carribean becausee 78 degrees is warm enough to swim. In Utah, it must be at least 85 degrees. No if, ands, or buts about it.

AND 2) There must not be wind. I do not like being cold. Not in the water and not when I get out of the water. When we got scuba certified and I had to get out of that nice warm 90 degree crater into the 15 degree air, it was sheer torture for me and I wanted to DIE!!! Plus it makes me need to pee.

So, although for the next cruise, you are pulling for Alaska, I will probably veto it. Sorry. :)

Onto Suzy's post. OMG girl! You crack me up! I am having visions of it now. There are 27 of us. The immigration people do not have a sense of humor in most cases. We are going through the line one at a time, all laughing and joking with Mr. Mexico Immigation dude, seeing who can make him actually crack a smile. They don't smile. Their faces might crack. Along comes Suzy. In her bubbly way that she has, she straight faced asks him if he can stamp it on a certain page.. "Ya know, the one that has, 'CHEAP LABOR' printed across the top?" Then she says, "Oh wait, not in BLUE! Can you do it in ORANGE?" OMG I'm gonna pee.

Tim suggeseted that we buy Suzy her very own ink pads.

Suzy, will you come to my "Stampin Up" party? I guess I will need to have one for you so we can get you your very own colors and sayings. LOL

Mom, I know you already told me that story about Susan saying you guys look like Manatees, but man, I about peed my pants seeing it written out.

Tony- WTH?! Ok, after reading it, and wiping the tears away from laughing so hard, (it literally took me three tries to get through it out loud for Tim) then re-reading it, I have to agree with you. The endangered species just don't make the effort. After all, they don't call it "Survival of the fittest" for nothin! If they don't make the effort, we should just eat them. Especially if they taste good. Or look pretty on a plate. Please just don't mistake my mom for a mantatee and eat her. Are manatees endangered? Ok...every night at dinner we have to have a head count.

Keep up the excerise mom! I think it's great you are doing it and I DON'T think you look like a manatee...or a seal.

Who wants to do Bikram Yoga with me? You all know I'm gonna do that crazy diet again, right?

Kym