Lounge of Lizards

Is a group of turtles really called a herd? I'm not so sure. I turned to my good friend Mr. Google.

A group of turtles is called a bale. That doesn't roll off the tongue quite like "a herd of turtles" though. Bales are for hay, right? Other choices for identifying the little turtle group are dole and turn. I like the sound of "a turn of turtles."

I did a little more research into the animals of Jamaica and came up with a fun (or cheesy) game for your enjoyment. If you'd like to play, there's a prize for the winner. What's the point of playing if there's no prize?

Match the animal with its group name. You know, like a group of crows is a murder. A group of lions is a pride. A group of lizards is a lounge. Easy enough.

No cheating. You can work together but you'll just have to split the prize. You know what I mean by cheating anyway. Good grief, just be honest. Use your brain.

1. mongoose .................. A. brood
2. manatee ................... B. charm
3. hummingbird ............... C. bask
4. crocodile ................. D. herd
5. parrot .................... E. asylum
6. bat ....................... F. business
7. frog ...................... G. flock
8. cuckoo .................... H. knot
9. pelican ................... I. pandemonium
10. snake .................... J. cloud

Just make a comment to this post with your educated guesses. The person with the most correct wins a prize. You'll have to wait for the next time we come to Grandma's to collect the prize but it will be worth the wait.

I'm really hoping someone besides Dan plays my silly little game.

Good luck.

Faster than a Herd of Turtles

I drive by this sign, Monday through Friday, and it always makes me wonder, "Who are all those men so desperate for love that they will go to this length to find it?" Pathetic, really. But then I see the Golden Arches and my thoughts wander to french fries and strawberry shakes and I am over it. I love strawberry shakes. When I need a mental pick me up, that is what I get. Stressed out? Get a large one. Had a bad morning? A regular size at lunch makes it all look better. Don’t bother with the small size. Size matters and what is the point really? A tease of delicious pinkness? Pink is the color of Valentines and little girls, but to me it means spring. I don’t know, maybe its because the color of the M&M bag is pink for Easter or maybe I just like pink and it’s the fashion color of spring, but that is what it is.
Its almost Easter now, which has me thinking of eggs. Boiled, salad sandwiches, deviled, marshmallow, chocolate, hidden, plastic, peanut butter, fudge and my favorite-marshmallow. Not to be out done by fudge, of course. Someone at the theater asked me what chicks and bunnies had to do with Easter, and I told them (because I am the oldest one there and have the most acquired useless knowledge) that it has to do with the eggs. That’s why the Easter bunny hides them for us to find, like the chickens do. It all ties together, see? I guess in the islands of the Caribbean they had to be creative and instead of bunnies and chickens, they look for turtle eggs.

I don’t think I would want to find many of them, they look gross and I don’t think deviled turtle sounds very tasty. However, just like bunnies and chickens, once they are hatched and fluff up a bit they are pretty cute.
Sea turtles are pretty amazing. They are protected in the wild because they throw such out of control parties that the police are always at their house protecting them. They live to be really old and are graceful in their natural habitat-like Bishop Drake. Have you ever seen him working in mom’s yard? In a Navy sweatshirt he is totally a turtle out of water to me.

Unlike fish, turtles can be out of water, they breathe air and everything. That is where they hide their eggs, on the beach. Not anywhere near as creative as the Easter bunny hiding eggs in suit coat pockets. And they only dye their eggs in the one color-egg. Turtles are not the right-brainers of the ocean. They aren’t good mothers either. And don’t get me started on their idea of fatherhood! That turtle in Nemo is not the rule, he was the exception. The dads do their thing and leave the mother, all pg and stuff, to crawl across the beach (like a turtle out of water, too), dig a huge hole until she is so exhausted all she can do is poop out a couple three dozen boring turtle eggs and then bury them (probably out of shame-she is an unwed mother with no creativity) and crawl back to the water (again, like a turtle out of water) and swim away. I might have missed a few steps, like saying a prayer over the ugly eggs. I am sure if I was the mother turtle that I would have a few extra words to say about the cruelty of nature.
After enough time has gone by the eggs start to hatch and little pathetic turtles dig their way out of the hole and start to crawl (how? You guessed it!) to the ocean. And to top it off, the sea birds have been waiting for their hors d’oeuvres for way to long and they swoop down on the boring, newly hatched ugly turtles and fly away with their lunch wiggling in their beaks. If you were lucky enough-or so ugly as to be unappetizing-to not be caught, you might make it to the water. But, again Nature has a different idea for your life’s direction. The waves are constantly trying to push you back to the bird buffet for the second feeding and to top it off-NO ONE HAS TAUGHT YOU HOW TO SWIM YET! Oh the horror! There are no directions printed on your shell, no life preserver or inflatable toy. If you finally manage a doable turtle-paddle past the pounding surf, you are small and weak and can be eaten at any time by something bigger and uglier than you. Sigh. There is nothing more depressing than being eaten by something even uglier than you-and you know that the reason they got big enough to eat you was because they were so ugly. Depressing.

A few years ago some scientists were worried that the turtle population was suffering from a clinical depression epidemic and so they attempted to medicate them. But the stupid ugly turtles proved hard to herd and even harder to convince to swallow a pill twice a day. However, by catching the turtles and wrangling the herd together they did create a new place to visit when cruising in the Caribbean. The turtle population could grow and thrive in a lower stress environment and the incident’s of depression were depressed. Now their parties are filled with noisy games of "Pit" and "Pictionary" and there is no alcohol served. Or eggs, that would be yucky. The fathers have to make occasional visits too, and the mothers can watch their offspring grow up in safety with crooked bangs, like all good moms want.

This is really important stuff-the reduction of clinical depression in turtles. But more important than the turtles, those silly scientists found another way to enjoy a vacation. THE GIFT SHOP! Yep, that’s right. They don’t sell turtle soup or deviled turtle eggs, but you can get a cool t-shirt or shot glass or plastic turtle there. It might be fun to look at the turtle tanks, maybe feed a turtle or two, see the variety and learn about their habitat and quest for survival. BUT at the gift shop you can buy postcards of people doing that exact thing and that is a way cooler way to spend my cash and time. And you know how I can do it? Faster than a herd of turtles, that's how!

BTW, there is a tour that takes you around the island, to the turtle farm, to Hell and back. It is a small charge, somewhere around $60 a person, including entrance into the farm. Its seems to be a lot like the Circle Island Tour of Hawaii, but without Cousin Bob yelling at us. And I am not sure if we can turn our back on the ocean in the Caribbean, but if Aunt Nancy is on this tour with me, I will have my camera ready to watch and see! It doesn’t include postage for mail going out from Hell, though. Or lunch, I don’t think. But I will find out because this is my plan for enjoying a day in the life of the Grand Cayman Island.

Gonna Go to Hell, Go to Hell!

I don’t remember jokes very well. Maybe it’s because I don’t tell them very well. Usually I laugh during them and you can’t tell what I am saying and that doesn’t make them very funny. Or maybe it’s the pressure to B E funny. I don’t perform well under pressure-I cry or sweat or forget what made me clever in the first place. Or maybe you just aren't getting it-like where is the stupid boat that is pulling the water skiing birds anyway? I guess I can't be everything to everybody. Well, hell, nobody is perfect.

I have never forgotten this one joke though. I don’t know if it was who told it to me, or the fact that it swore, or because it is just really funny, but I still remember it-punch line and all. Let me know if you like it, it goes:

There are two kids reading the dictionary (or Bible, if you’d rather). The brother, Timmy, finds important sounding words like “dogma”, “daring”, and “damn”. His sister finds emotional words like “healing”, “heart” and “hell”. After a pleasant morning together reading the dictionary (or Bible), Timmy turns to his cute little sister, Suzy, and says, “I have heard that if it’s in the dictionary, it must be okay to say,” and since he is the older and wiser brother, Suzy sagely agreed. Hearing Mom banging cupboards in the kitchen the two went to the kitchen for breakfast.

Now you must understand that it is early, and although Timmy and Suzy were getting along, the other three hooligans in the family were up to no good so Mom isn’t in the best of moods. AND she didn’t sleep well after she woke up from watching the baseball game last night and she is not in a playful frame of mind. “What do you want for breakfast?” she asks Timmy.

(Please note: This is a story. If you recognize any flaws in the character representations, please remember it is a work of fiction.)

Timmy smiles his sycophantic oldest child smile and says, “Anything would be fine, but I don’t want no damn Cheerios, Mother dear.” Mom flies of the handle, literally, grabbing the wooden spoon and chasing him back to his room scolding about soap and repentance.

Later, returning to the kitchen, Mom looks at innocent, sweet, even-tempered Suzy and asks with blood in her eye and vinegar in her blood, “And what do you want for breakfast?” Suzy, wiser than her brother having learned from his poor choices, has figured he shouldn’t have said something he did, replies, “Well, I sure as hell don’t want no damn Cheerios!”

LOL! You have to forgive the grammar, but it is a cute little joke. I also appreciate the one about the parrot in the freezer, but I don’t have time for that now, maybe on the cruise.

So what is all the fuss about hell? Is it the fire and brimstone? Men in unitards and tails? The smell of sulfur everywhere? Sounds like the boys bedrooms before we remodeled!

But really, what is up with hell? Or should it be why aren’t we down with hell? A place where the deceased wrong doers spend time and eternity making up for their earthly wrongs? A word you aren’t supposed to say because you have to sit on the kitchen and chair for 15 minutes? The prefix to “icopter”?

I found a picture-it doesn't look very imposing-does it? Maybe at night? Or with the right lighting? I bet Steven Spielberg could make a kick butt hell! Of course it would have to be called Heaven if he cast Harrison Ford in the leading roll, but I would be willing to visit there too.

Do you want to know what I think hell is? Teaching classical music and its elements to 5th Graders! Even if I know they will end up enjoying it (right, Shaelynn?) it is still very difficult to enjoy. There is not enough non-caffeinated diet cola in the world after 50 minutes with 25 10 year olds. Does anyone have a dollar for the soda machine? I need one, real bad. Cindy says that on her cruise to Mexico all the soda came from cans, and I should buy some in Miami and save my money. Where is the fun in that? They didn’t do that on the Love Boat did they? All my cruise knowledge about drinking was learned watching Isaac the Happy Barman and I am sure that his soda was on tap. Maybe if it is chased with Jamaican Rum you don’t care where your Coke came from but a la carte and sitting on a bar stool or pool side or with my dinner, I do! And I don’t plan on being chased by anything on the cruise, especially Jamaican’s with rum. That is just crazy!

I haven’t made any plans regarding the cruise yet; I guess I just don’t want to go overboard before getting on board. But, I do know that I want to visit Hell. I want physical evidence that my music room is not a small town (village, destination?) on the island of the poor extinct and formerly tasty Caimans. Cindy introduced me to a local band that sings an awesome song about Hell. It's called, "Go To Hell" and Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband do a great job telling me all the things that I can do to get there fast. I would have put it on the blog, but I had to call Tony to figure out how to post pictures and I am still not sure they will look right once I publish! Hells bells! Speaking of which, I don't think there are any bells on the island, but if there are I want one! Yeah! Now I have 2 things planned! #1 Look for Hell's bells and #2, Send postcards to the classes at school from the different destinations on our trip. Won’t that be fun for my kindergartners to get a “Thinking of You!” from Cozumel? Or a “Missing you this much!” from Miami for the 6th graders I won’t be missing at all? I especially am looking forward to sending my 3rd graders a postcard declaring “Jamaican me crazy!” from, well, duh! And I can’t wait to send postcards to my church friends that say “Wish you were here!” and have them specially postmarked from H-E-double hockey sticks.

Ooh! Make that 3 things! I have a friend that wants a shot glass, and Cindy is hoping I find a t-shirt for her boys that say “My Aunt went to Hell and all I got was this t-shirt”. How could I be the favorite aunt if I don’t find a t-shirt like that? I love a quest and Aunt Nancy, Mom and Cindy might recall how much fun buying t-shirts can be! And it better be all that it is cracked up to be, because if I am going strong on canned caffeine free ;) diet soda, I sure as hell don’t want to be disappointed by anything in Hell. After all, if I am going to go there, I want it to be worth the trip!

So my list of "Things To Do in the Next Nine Months" gets a little longer. I now have to not only lose weight; get a tan; fade back to pasty white; tan again; rinse and repeat; save money; contribute to the blog; get a passport; worry about drowning; pack; accept fate that I am a land-atee and sew a couple muumuus; make address labels; find adequate forms of motion sickness relief AND find a sub; I also have to either learn to like drinking water or learn to like drinking canned soda? Or start drinking the alcohol and then go into a diabetic coma, die and go to hell? It is all too much! I can’t do it! Something has gotta give! I guess it might have to be the muumuus, because these pretzels are making me thirsty!

P.S. I apologize for the multiple use of the word "Hell" in my blog. I know of no other way to 1) talk about a place called Hell or 2) accumulate more wealth in my swear jar to pay for the t-shirts and shot glasses and drink card for the trip.

Legal Names

Hey Everybody!

I need to get everyone's LEGAL names (what is printed on your passports) and everyone's date of birth.

Please email me directly at kym.hawkes@slumberparties.com asap.

Thanks,
Kym

Conversion

Remember when Jerry's dentist converted to Judaism for the jokes? Or was it just so he could ask for a schtickle of flouride?

Anyway, do I have to actually convert to Islam for the swimwear or is it kosher for a modest Mormon mom to wear?

I've got a bid on this little number in emerald green on ebay. I hope I get it. I'll look smashing in the sparkling blue of the Caribbean waters, don't you think? You'll see me. I'll be the manatee floating around with a hood and long sleeves.

See you in the water!

Shalom

Bring on the stingrays baby!

WOW, is all I have to say about Tim and Kyms adventures with the sharks! You guys are way brave with those HUGE sharks! I am going more to the mellow type of sharks, the stingrays at Stingray City in Grand Cayman. I can't wait to swim with them and I have found a couple of good tour companies that will take you out there with only a maximum of 25 people on the boat as opposed to the excursion through the ship which takes 200 people.

I am thinking of taking the wave runner tour to the Stingray city where you ride wave runners out there and its a 3 hour tour and you get more personalized attention with your guide for only $125 per person . It will be worth it. If anyone else wants to join me when the time comes, then great the more the merrier.

I'll bet Tony would do a shark dive with you. He is the brave, daring one in our family and would do it. I'll have to check and make sure our life insurance covers him if he gets eaten by a shark though just in case I'm left a widow. I wanted to hold back on how much info. I post here just yet but as you can see I am very bored right now. I have one baby here who is sleeping and my house is clean and so I am just researching and researching so forgive me if I'm babbling.

So, Kym taking a laptop is no good huh? I hope someone brings one so we can all load our digital photos on there so we don't have to take a ton of memory cards. If not thats okay too. Well, here are some pics of Stingray City. Enjoy! And of course...........

Happy Cruising :-Þ :-)

You may be wondering what the pics above are...or maybe you caught on to what my mom said. SHE wants to swim with NIMO. I like the sharks. OMG WOW!
TONY- I am so sorry but I think I may have had my ultimate scuba experience without you! I know, I know. I am losing my place as the favorite sister-in-law, please forgive me!!! We will be hard pressed to find anything that tops this! We will tell you all more about this next time we see you all! But just imagine...sharks swimming all around you so fast the water is literally vibrating and swirling in all different directions.

Yeah, yeah I know what you are all thinking. I can't help it. I'm cute not smart. :) Doh!!!

We just got home on Saturday and I have been frantically trying to get caught up. I took my laptop with me on this trip, determined to do some work while I was gone. I know you all think I just act silly at a party and sell those adult thingy-ma-jigs, but there is actaully a business side to my job! :) I think I pulled it out of the bag at least once...does it count if I was looking something up for Tim and then promptly shut it down. My laptop is FREAKING HEAVY and I lugged that sucker all over the Carribean for NOTHING!! Never again!!!

I just spent the last 1/2 hour reading the posts out loud to Tim and we were laughing our guts out. At first I thought it was the wine making things funnier than normal, but Tim was laughing just as hard. Thanks for that cuz my day wasn't great. Nothing like a glass of wine and some funny family blogs to make it all better again!

My apologies because MY posts are probably always going to be in response to everyone else's. Damn, there are some funny personalities and quirky senses of humor in this family. I'm glad I get to be part of it!

Ok, so here we go...Cathy, I can't wait to see you try to get out of swimming on this trip! Danny will be another year older and at the age where kids LOVE the water! Good thing Shaelynn LOVES the kids...and the beach...and the ocean....and the sand in between her ummmm....toenails.

OK, so I gotta tell you all...the kids both thought it was pretty funny that they had sand in their butt cracks afte playing at the beach all day. LOL

This was the first time they have ever been to the ocean. They wanted to spend all their time at the beach. (Sidenote...now I am having flashbacks of when me and their dad took them to Disneyland for Christmas. Wonderful Christmas gift, Right??? On the first day at the Park, we left a bit early to go back and get our sweaters cuz it got chilly. They decided that rather than go back to the park, the wanted to stay at the hotel swimming pool. The next morning, they asked if we could just swim all day. Of course, we said NO! We needed to get all we could out of those park passes! Everyday, they wanted to swim... Now... I'm pretty sure there is a Hampton Inn on 10600 S. and the freeway right in Sandy, Utah... with a POOL. No need to go clear to Cali for pools! LOL

Good luck on getting out of swimming! However, I will tell you, there MAY be hope! I have NEVER put on a swimsuit on a cruise ship. I have some very specific requirements for me to get in water anywhere!!!

1) It must be at least 78 degrees. This requirement is only while in the Carribean becausee 78 degrees is warm enough to swim. In Utah, it must be at least 85 degrees. No if, ands, or buts about it.

AND 2) There must not be wind. I do not like being cold. Not in the water and not when I get out of the water. When we got scuba certified and I had to get out of that nice warm 90 degree crater into the 15 degree air, it was sheer torture for me and I wanted to DIE!!! Plus it makes me need to pee.

So, although for the next cruise, you are pulling for Alaska, I will probably veto it. Sorry. :)

Onto Suzy's post. OMG girl! You crack me up! I am having visions of it now. There are 27 of us. The immigration people do not have a sense of humor in most cases. We are going through the line one at a time, all laughing and joking with Mr. Mexico Immigation dude, seeing who can make him actually crack a smile. They don't smile. Their faces might crack. Along comes Suzy. In her bubbly way that she has, she straight faced asks him if he can stamp it on a certain page.. "Ya know, the one that has, 'CHEAP LABOR' printed across the top?" Then she says, "Oh wait, not in BLUE! Can you do it in ORANGE?" OMG I'm gonna pee.

Tim suggeseted that we buy Suzy her very own ink pads.

Suzy, will you come to my "Stampin Up" party? I guess I will need to have one for you so we can get you your very own colors and sayings. LOL

Mom, I know you already told me that story about Susan saying you guys look like Manatees, but man, I about peed my pants seeing it written out.

Tony- WTH?! Ok, after reading it, and wiping the tears away from laughing so hard, (it literally took me three tries to get through it out loud for Tim) then re-reading it, I have to agree with you. The endangered species just don't make the effort. After all, they don't call it "Survival of the fittest" for nothin! If they don't make the effort, we should just eat them. Especially if they taste good. Or look pretty on a plate. Please just don't mistake my mom for a mantatee and eat her. Are manatees endangered? Ok...every night at dinner we have to have a head count.

Keep up the excerise mom! I think it's great you are doing it and I DON'T think you look like a manatee...or a seal.

Who wants to do Bikram Yoga with me? You all know I'm gonna do that crazy diet again, right?

Kym