Gonna Go to Hell, Go to Hell!

I don’t remember jokes very well. Maybe it’s because I don’t tell them very well. Usually I laugh during them and you can’t tell what I am saying and that doesn’t make them very funny. Or maybe it’s the pressure to B E funny. I don’t perform well under pressure-I cry or sweat or forget what made me clever in the first place. Or maybe you just aren't getting it-like where is the stupid boat that is pulling the water skiing birds anyway? I guess I can't be everything to everybody. Well, hell, nobody is perfect.

I have never forgotten this one joke though. I don’t know if it was who told it to me, or the fact that it swore, or because it is just really funny, but I still remember it-punch line and all. Let me know if you like it, it goes:

There are two kids reading the dictionary (or Bible, if you’d rather). The brother, Timmy, finds important sounding words like “dogma”, “daring”, and “damn”. His sister finds emotional words like “healing”, “heart” and “hell”. After a pleasant morning together reading the dictionary (or Bible), Timmy turns to his cute little sister, Suzy, and says, “I have heard that if it’s in the dictionary, it must be okay to say,” and since he is the older and wiser brother, Suzy sagely agreed. Hearing Mom banging cupboards in the kitchen the two went to the kitchen for breakfast.

Now you must understand that it is early, and although Timmy and Suzy were getting along, the other three hooligans in the family were up to no good so Mom isn’t in the best of moods. AND she didn’t sleep well after she woke up from watching the baseball game last night and she is not in a playful frame of mind. “What do you want for breakfast?” she asks Timmy.

(Please note: This is a story. If you recognize any flaws in the character representations, please remember it is a work of fiction.)

Timmy smiles his sycophantic oldest child smile and says, “Anything would be fine, but I don’t want no damn Cheerios, Mother dear.” Mom flies of the handle, literally, grabbing the wooden spoon and chasing him back to his room scolding about soap and repentance.

Later, returning to the kitchen, Mom looks at innocent, sweet, even-tempered Suzy and asks with blood in her eye and vinegar in her blood, “And what do you want for breakfast?” Suzy, wiser than her brother having learned from his poor choices, has figured he shouldn’t have said something he did, replies, “Well, I sure as hell don’t want no damn Cheerios!”

LOL! You have to forgive the grammar, but it is a cute little joke. I also appreciate the one about the parrot in the freezer, but I don’t have time for that now, maybe on the cruise.

So what is all the fuss about hell? Is it the fire and brimstone? Men in unitards and tails? The smell of sulfur everywhere? Sounds like the boys bedrooms before we remodeled!

But really, what is up with hell? Or should it be why aren’t we down with hell? A place where the deceased wrong doers spend time and eternity making up for their earthly wrongs? A word you aren’t supposed to say because you have to sit on the kitchen and chair for 15 minutes? The prefix to “icopter”?

I found a picture-it doesn't look very imposing-does it? Maybe at night? Or with the right lighting? I bet Steven Spielberg could make a kick butt hell! Of course it would have to be called Heaven if he cast Harrison Ford in the leading roll, but I would be willing to visit there too.

Do you want to know what I think hell is? Teaching classical music and its elements to 5th Graders! Even if I know they will end up enjoying it (right, Shaelynn?) it is still very difficult to enjoy. There is not enough non-caffeinated diet cola in the world after 50 minutes with 25 10 year olds. Does anyone have a dollar for the soda machine? I need one, real bad. Cindy says that on her cruise to Mexico all the soda came from cans, and I should buy some in Miami and save my money. Where is the fun in that? They didn’t do that on the Love Boat did they? All my cruise knowledge about drinking was learned watching Isaac the Happy Barman and I am sure that his soda was on tap. Maybe if it is chased with Jamaican Rum you don’t care where your Coke came from but a la carte and sitting on a bar stool or pool side or with my dinner, I do! And I don’t plan on being chased by anything on the cruise, especially Jamaican’s with rum. That is just crazy!

I haven’t made any plans regarding the cruise yet; I guess I just don’t want to go overboard before getting on board. But, I do know that I want to visit Hell. I want physical evidence that my music room is not a small town (village, destination?) on the island of the poor extinct and formerly tasty Caimans. Cindy introduced me to a local band that sings an awesome song about Hell. It's called, "Go To Hell" and Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband do a great job telling me all the things that I can do to get there fast. I would have put it on the blog, but I had to call Tony to figure out how to post pictures and I am still not sure they will look right once I publish! Hells bells! Speaking of which, I don't think there are any bells on the island, but if there are I want one! Yeah! Now I have 2 things planned! #1 Look for Hell's bells and #2, Send postcards to the classes at school from the different destinations on our trip. Won’t that be fun for my kindergartners to get a “Thinking of You!” from Cozumel? Or a “Missing you this much!” from Miami for the 6th graders I won’t be missing at all? I especially am looking forward to sending my 3rd graders a postcard declaring “Jamaican me crazy!” from, well, duh! And I can’t wait to send postcards to my church friends that say “Wish you were here!” and have them specially postmarked from H-E-double hockey sticks.

Ooh! Make that 3 things! I have a friend that wants a shot glass, and Cindy is hoping I find a t-shirt for her boys that say “My Aunt went to Hell and all I got was this t-shirt”. How could I be the favorite aunt if I don’t find a t-shirt like that? I love a quest and Aunt Nancy, Mom and Cindy might recall how much fun buying t-shirts can be! And it better be all that it is cracked up to be, because if I am going strong on canned caffeine free ;) diet soda, I sure as hell don’t want to be disappointed by anything in Hell. After all, if I am going to go there, I want it to be worth the trip!

So my list of "Things To Do in the Next Nine Months" gets a little longer. I now have to not only lose weight; get a tan; fade back to pasty white; tan again; rinse and repeat; save money; contribute to the blog; get a passport; worry about drowning; pack; accept fate that I am a land-atee and sew a couple muumuus; make address labels; find adequate forms of motion sickness relief AND find a sub; I also have to either learn to like drinking water or learn to like drinking canned soda? Or start drinking the alcohol and then go into a diabetic coma, die and go to hell? It is all too much! I can’t do it! Something has gotta give! I guess it might have to be the muumuus, because these pretzels are making me thirsty!

P.S. I apologize for the multiple use of the word "Hell" in my blog. I know of no other way to 1) talk about a place called Hell or 2) accumulate more wealth in my swear jar to pay for the t-shirts and shot glasses and drink card for the trip.