Motion Sickness : An Essay

I'm forty-one years old and I love roller coasters. I especially love big, hairy, scary roller coasters like Ghost Rider and Wicked and Wild Mouse. Ever since I've been old enough to ride them I've loved roller coasters, and tilt-a-whirls, and teacups, and rides that go upside-down or really high. And I like boats and planes and sitting on a train in those seats that face backwards, and lying down to read in the back of a Suburban that's going down the highway on it's way to California.

I don't get motion sickness.

At least I didn't until this morning.

You see, most of the definitions for motion sickness have something to do with the inner ear. Your eye sees one thing and your inner ear tells your brain something else and it makes you sick. Believe it if you want, but ears have nothing to do with it. Here's the real definition: Things are moving in a way you don't like, your brain doesn't have control of the situation, so your stomach decides to mutiny and perform the only evasive action it can. Voila, the ride operator turns off the teacups and gets out the hose.

Now you see, the reason I didn't think I got motion sickness is because I thought it only applied to PHYSICAL motion. I didn't realize the same principle applies to FINANCIAL motion.

Let me explain. Back at the first of the year we were in pretty calm financial water, so planning for a cruise was no big deal. Since then we've had a few little waves. The dog has to go to the vet, the car breaks down, you lose some customers. You feel a little queasy, but you're still enjoying the ride. Then you hit some big waves, like the kind that make you hang over the side of the boat and hope you don't barf. So you do things like canceling all of your excursions and deleting all of your posts off of the cruise blog.

Blaaaahhhh! . . . . there goes the dolphin swim.

Bluuuurppp! . . . . there goes the stingrays.

Huuurrrrllll! . . . . there goes the shopping, the fancy portraits and the sodas.

You start to feel a little better, someone gives you a mint. And then the really big wave hits you. In my case that would be a letter from my lawyer about a month ago stating that since there hadn't been any activity on my case for a while it was time for me to pay the balance. He was nice enough to give me ten days. The balance due was basically everything I had set aside for this trip plus a thousand dollars.

Hhhhaaaaaaappppphhhh!!

Not everyone gets motion sickness. I didn't used to. Now I think I do. Sometimes things are moving in a way you don't like and your brain doesn't have control of the situation. Sometimes you just want to get your feet back on solid ground before your stomach decides to mutiny. Sometimes you think maybe it would have been better if you hadn't gotten on the ride.

Fortunately, motion sickness doesn't usually kill you. It can ruin your trip and sometimes people poke a little fun at you, but you usually survive. So let's all try to remember, when you see someone turning green and acting like they aren't having much fun, don't wave back and forth in front of them and make gag noises. Just let them get over it in their own way.

(Also, I was trying to figure out how to insert a joke in here about how "if you or your significant other has to take Dramamine or Pepto in order to get busy with the lights out, you might have bigger problems than motion sickness", but I just couldn't make it work. If you have any suggestions I'd like to hear them.)

(Suggestions about the joke, I mean. Not about the getting busy.)